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Snaggy

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Icon 9 posted March 08, 2004 12:56      Profile for Snaggy   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
csk, this is a time of great sorrow, not unlike the loss of a loved one through death. You will be going through emotions similar to grieving. [Frown]

I am sorry for your loss, but like so many of these great folks here are saying, remember that we are here for you, and wish you all the best. We know you will eventually get through this ok and re-build.

Posts: 8169 | From: Canada | Registered: Jan 2000  |  IP: Logged
SpikeSpiegel
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Icon 1 posted March 08, 2004 14:28      Profile for SpikeSpiegel     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
csk that sucks man [Frown] my parents went thru a similiar thing about 3 years ago, so i know how hard a marriage breaking up can be. i never much cared for my dad, but I see how it has affected my little brother who still really loves him, a fathers influence is a great thing on a lil kid

Good luck! [Smile]

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its been a while

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csk

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Icon 1 posted March 08, 2004 21:40      Profile for csk     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Well, you people have been great. Thanks so much for all the support.

I'm coming to realise that I've got a responsibility to be as good a father to my daughter as I can, regardless of the situation with Mrs csk. That won't be easy, but it seems the best option regardless.

The other complicating factor is parental influence. My Mum and Dad both think Mrs csk is one of the worst people they've ever met, so that makes it hard. If you people can think of me when I'm trying to independently think this stuff through, but not offend my parents by rejecting their (very strongly worded) advice, then that'd be great. After all, I think I need to communicate a fair bit with Mrs csk to work this all out, but my parents are recommending that I cut all communication with her, at least until seeking legal advice. I don't want to mess up any more close relationships, but I don't want to be manipulated by other people any more, either.

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6 weeks to go!

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Xanthine

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Icon 1 posted March 08, 2004 21:44      Profile for Xanthine     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Regardless of what your parents and your guts are saying, I do recomend you get a lawyer, fast. She's already broken into your house and run off with your financial records. You do need to keep some line of communication for the sake of your child, but you also need to protect yourself.

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And it's one, two, three / On the wrong side of the lee / What were you meant for? / What were you meant for?
- The Decemberists

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The Famous Druid

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Icon 1 posted March 08, 2004 22:48      Profile for The Famous Druid     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I really really hate to say this, because I despise the bastards so much, but

Get A Lawyer

(shudder).

They're blood sucking parasites, and a substantial proportion of your joint assetts will go into paying their children through the top private schools, but you simply cannot afford to be the only person in the court room who doesn't have their own blood sucking parasite in tow.

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If you watch 'The History Of NASA' backwards, it's about a space agency that has no manned spaceflight capability, then does low-orbit flights, then lands on the Moon.

Posts: 10702 | From: Melbourne, Australia | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged
weensicka
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Icon 1 posted March 08, 2004 23:01      Profile for weensicka   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by csk:
The other complicating factor is parental influence. My Mum and Dad both think Mrs csk is one of the worst people they've ever met, so that makes it hard. If you people can think of me when I'm trying to independently think this stuff through, but not offend my parents by rejecting their (very strongly worded) advice, then that'd be great. After all, I think I need to communicate a fair bit with Mrs csk to work this all out, but my parents are recommending that I cut all communication with her, at least until seeking legal advice. I don't want to mess up any more close relationships, but I don't want to be manipulated by other people any more, either.

CSK, I know I'm late to the party, but I want you to know you are in my thoughts, and so is your daughter. I hope she gets the privilege of knowing what a kind father she has. I think someone mentioned earlier that divorce is hard on kids and suggested that parents should do everything possible to work it out. And while that's admirable, I want you to know that it's not always the best case and that if you both are at odds now, you need to clean up and move-on, though not at the expense of the child. I'm rambling, but I have a lot of friends who are products of divorce--many of which happened later in their lives, so they remember the before and after--and believe me, they are grateful their parents split up. This is because they saw how destructive two people fighting with each other can be. You don't want to raise a child in a negative atmosphere like that.

I wish I could offer legal advice too, but I can't. It seems to me that lawyers can make divorces messier, so I guess you could look out for that. You don't want a grudge match on your hands. Also, I'd like to say that I'm so sorry to hear that your parents, while attempting to be supportive, have taken such a route to show their sympathy. It really doesn't make it any easier, does it? This is someone you cared about, and probably still do on some level because love isn't like a light switch that turns off and on. My friends have been doing some of the same with my situation (which you know of), and it really doesn't help. You may want to suggest this to them gently if it bothers you. This is something you and mrs. csk have to deal with; you don't need outside bitterness adding to the difficulty.

I'd just like to say that I'm really glad I've gotten to know you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for reaching out to me and I am hear for you if you need the same. All my best wishes.

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Is there any tea on this spaceship?

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Shadow
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Icon 1 posted March 09, 2004 01:57      Profile for Shadow     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
CSK, I am sorry to hear that things have become as they are. You and Mrs. CSK are and will be in our thoughts and prayers.

I also agree that remaining a part of your daughter's life is important. She deserves to know who you and I believe you have a lot to offer her as a father.

I hope this all works out well and perhaps with you two even working these things through.

Again, you are and will be in our prayers and I hope we (The GCers) and I are helpful and an encouragement as you go through all this.

-Shadow

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I do but keep the peace: put up thy sword,
Or manage it to part these men with me. - Benvolio (Romeo & Juliet)

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MTB Babe
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Icon 9 posted March 09, 2004 07:28      Profile for MTB Babe   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Wow. I've known 3 couples getting divorced in the last year. this makes number 4. I'm so sorry CSK. one of the couples I know has a daughter also, and I work with the husband. He loves her very much (she's 4), and has come to work very upset over the custody/visitation issues.
I wish you the best and hope that you get to see a lot of your little girl [Smile]

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Samir: No one in this country can ever pronounce my name right. It's not that hard: Na-ee-ana-jaad. Nayanajaad.
Michael Bolton: Yeah, well at least your name isn't Michael Bolton.

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Grey_girl

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Icon 1 posted March 09, 2004 07:51      Profile for Grey_girl     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
csk, put me in the line of people recommending an attorney.

Be picky. Find one you feel comfortable with. Some lawyers are pushy, greedy, bottom-feeding dreck. I interviewed approximately 10 lawyers when instigating my divorce, and I was really happy with the firm I chose (one of the most expensive, but I wanted the divorce on my terms). I was not about to go in there and be dictated to on what I wanted, how to do this and be advised to be a shrew (trust me, it happened). I simply wanted the best legal protections I could get regarding child support, custody and visitation, and to get the whole matter over with. I got it. Stick to your guns. It took me years to pay the attorney off (I didn't sue for costs because I wanted it all over), but my attorney was worth every penny.

Your parents mean well, but find the attorney while you are communicating with mrs. csk. You have a child - you can't afford to cut her off completely. Even if stopping all communication doesn't spur her to more invasive actions, it sets a precedent going forward. I know it's difficult, but the best thing you can do is find some way to communicate openly and as adults. It will make everything easier, because no matter what, she is going to be a part of your life as the mother of your child, even if it would be easier if she weren't.

I'm back to square one with SlugBoy the ex-husband in some ways too. I'm about to take him to court for non-payment of child support. Hang in there. Please know you're not alone.

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Too Cool To Quit
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Icon 11 posted March 09, 2004 09:52      Profile for Too Cool To Quit     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
[shake head] [Frown] [weep]

When I read this, I saw the Linkin Park reference, and started to giggle, but then as I read on my heart dropped. Yes folks, my heart...

I hate divorce! Hate hate hate it!

It's just wrong!

But it's something you can't help. . .

I am also going to be one of those who recommends having support from a lawyer, of some sort, and like I saw a few other people say, don't let the kid become a weapon. I've seen it happen before, several times, and a few of them ended up in the child either, hurting/killing themselves, or hurting/killing someone else... my $0.02

I'm praying for you, even if I DO have to call you csk, God'll know who it is I'm talking about...

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Alright now, that's the last straw, I'm calling the ass taxidermist to tell him to stop making hats in your size RIGHT NOW.

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Stibbons
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Icon 1 posted March 09, 2004 12:01      Profile for Stibbons   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
hmm, TCTQs right about the bizaarity (is that a word?) of how we feel for you csk, despite the fact some of us only know you as csk. but we do.

many of my friends have had parents go through divorces/that are going through divorces, and although people say its the kids that suffer in all the cases I know of its the parents that suffer as much, if not more. for all its worth, you and your suffering are in my thoughts. I wish you all the best.

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The Famous Druid

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Icon 1 posted March 09, 2004 12:02      Profile for The Famous Druid     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Grey_girl:
Some lawyers are pushy, greedy, bottom-feeding dreck.

Yes, it's the lawyers like that who give the other 5% a bad name.

--------------------
If you watch 'The History Of NASA' backwards, it's about a space agency that has no manned spaceflight capability, then does low-orbit flights, then lands on the Moon.

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GMx

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Icon 1 posted March 09, 2004 13:11      Profile for GMx     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by The Famous Druid:
quote:
Originally posted by Grey_girl:
Some lawyers are pushy, greedy, bottom-feeding dreck.

Yes, it's the lawyers like that who give the other 5% a bad name.
You're being generous there. [Big Grin]
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Callipygous
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Icon 1 posted March 09, 2004 16:33      Profile for Callipygous     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I don't know how it goes in Oz, csk, but here in the UK they try to get lawyers and other conciliation services to work with each other in divorce. This is quite a good idea. As you must know lawyers want all communication to go through them, so they can check that you are not agreeing to anything that might have bad consequences you are not aware of, or that you are not otherwise weakening your bargaining position. This not always the best way to resolve emotional issues, which are equally (if not more) important, so check if the situation is the same in Oz. Conciliation services also have the advantage of being a lot cheaper, and saving cash can be quite a strong motive to induce a more reasonable attitude.

Having said that, and assuming that you are not a bad bad man - well I don't think so [Wink] , (and despite the degree of responsibility you admit to in causing this), the most positive view that I can take is that your wife is acting very irrationally now, if not maliciously, and you must therefore protect yourself. If you do not it is unlikely she will be pacified by this, and may (and probably will) take your inaction as merely an admission of guilt and/or lack of interest in your child, which could paradoxically further fuel her rage and make the situation even harder to resolve. You will have to stand up (and unfortunately probably fight too) for a fair settlement that is best for the long term interests of your child and both of you, or it may not happen.

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"Knowledge is Power. France is Bacon" - Milton

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Xanthine

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Icon 1 posted March 09, 2004 19:07      Profile for Xanthine     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
If csk were truly a bad man, he would not be accepting any responsibility at all. I'd rather call him a good man who did a bad thing. [Smile]

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And it's one, two, three / On the wrong side of the lee / What were you meant for? / What were you meant for?
- The Decemberists

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snupy
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Icon 1 posted March 09, 2004 19:46      Profile for snupy   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Well said, X.

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"I just ordered an extra-long straw to avoid accidentally doing a sit-up"-Jay, Modern Family

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Delta Vel
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Icon 1 posted March 09, 2004 20:15      Profile for Delta Vel   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
*hugs*

I'm really bad at sympathy but you have mine, csk.

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You mean you need drugs to hallucinate?

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Flashfire
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Icon 1 posted March 09, 2004 23:53      Profile for Flashfire   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Um...

I know I'm new, and probably shouldn't be jumping into this, but:

I'm so very sorry things like that have to happen. I might not know you that well, csk, but from what I've read, you seem like a good person. I'm certain you're strong and can see it through, even if it will be hard.

Like Vel, I'm really bad at sympathy, but you and your daughter will be in my thoughts. I wish you luck, courage and strength.

--Flash

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"No silicon heaven? That's absurd!
Where would all the calculators go?"
--Kryten, Red Dwarf
-------------------------------
My Web Comic: NSTA: Semper Vigilantis

Posts: 368 | From: State of Denial | Registered: Mar 2004  |  IP: Logged
WinterSolstice

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Icon 9 posted March 12, 2004 20:47      Profile for WinterSolstice     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Boy, I'm sure sorry that things went so bad for you. Marriages are touchy business because there is no way of knowing a person enough. Then there are the kids. And the jobs. And the stress.

I feel so bad for you guys that it turned out like that.

Jess also wants me to apologize for her as well, it is a super sore subject (stuff like that happened to her last marriage).

Good luck with the lawyer, and I'm sure you will get a good handle on things.

-WS

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An operating system should be like a light switch... simple, effective, easy to use, and designed for everyone.

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defiant
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Icon 9 posted March 13, 2004 19:05      Profile for defiant     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Some things just happen.

My parents divorced after 20 years of marriage when I was fourteen. Bad thing.

Hang on in there, and if it only is for your daughter. She'll be worth it, but you know that.

Communicate with Mrs csk, and show her that you are the father of your daughter. As she is the mother of her too.

Open arms for you. You'll be in my thoughts.

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Just_Jess_B

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Icon 1 posted March 14, 2004 16:20      Profile for Just_Jess_B   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I apologize for previous comments that assumed because you blamed yourself, it was your fault. Upon clarification, this was not your fault. It sounds like you worked hard to support your wife emotionally and financially, and she betrayed your contract of marriage.

Your daughter should not have to live with a woman who would put her own needs before the need of her child to have her biological father in the home and a husband to have a wife who keeps a promise she made before friends and family (and God).

Now is the time to fight for the safety and security of your child. I am sure if you have a good relationship with your parent(s), they can give you guidance and help securing a competent family law attorney who has won father-custody cases. A good attorney ought to be able to prove she has not made decisions in the best interest of your child.


Jess

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Opinion is not Truth; that is why each has its own definition. Illiteracy sucks.

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csk

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Icon 1 posted March 14, 2004 17:27      Profile for csk     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
No problems Jess, see the other thread.

I'll post some sort of situation update on here when I get a chance (no news really, though)

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6 weeks to go!

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csk

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Icon 9 posted March 17, 2004 03:40      Profile for csk     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Well, it hasn't got any better (not that I was expecting it to). I've decided that my no 1 goal is to eventually reconcile, and no 2 (if no 1 unattainable) is to have the best relationship possible with Mrs csk for our daughter's sake.

No 1 is looking humanly impossible, for Mrs csk is emitting very strong "We both need to get on with our lives, why are you even calling me?" vibes. I'm not going to give up hope, but realistically it's probably not going to happen [Frown] I only have myself to blame, but it's going to be a hard pill to swallow, presuming Mrs csk continues to not want to even contemplate reconciliation.

But, on the bright side, she brightened when I mentioned that I wanted to see more of my daughter, and she doesn't want to keep me from that. Let's (pray|hope) that I resist the urge to try and emotionally manipulate Mrs csk into getting back together, and try and keep our daughters best interests in mind. Otherwise it would be too tempting to turn visiting my daughter into a attempt to brainwash Mrs csk into taking me back.

I guess it's time to find out how many times I can be rejected and still keep my hope alive...

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6 weeks to go!

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Jessycat

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Icon 10 posted March 17, 2004 20:04      Profile for Jessycat     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by csk:
...she brightened when I mentioned that I wanted to see more of my daughter, and she doesn't want to keep me from that.

csk, that is SO good to hear!!!!! [thumbsup]

Thanks for keeping us posted.

[Smile]

EDIT: Sorry, just noticed the sad faces in your post. But at least things are looking up a tiny bit, huh?
/me is rooting for you.

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snupy
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Icon 1 posted March 18, 2004 15:32      Profile for snupy   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Maybe she just needs time, csk?? With time can come forgiveness, hopefully. If your digression was being unfaithful,(sorry if I am presuming, but I am not up to date on all your posts, and I'm assuming this is the only thing she would consider "unforgiveable") I forgave someone who cheated on me once, but it took a full year of him groveling and making it up to me. Don't give up yet.

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"I just ordered an extra-long straw to avoid accidentally doing a sit-up"-Jay, Modern Family

Posts: 4269 | From: UK, via Chicago | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged


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