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Author Topic: Rednex in the mist
chicgeek
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Icon 1 posted March 24, 2003 19:18      Profile for chicgeek     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Inspired by a suggestion from Col. Panic, this is a rant all about redneckus ignoramus, the interesting species by which I am surrounded in Midland.
Like Jeff Corwin or The Crocodile Hunter, I am delving into the most dangerous and exciting habitats of these animals, the likes of which most self-respecting individuals would not go anywhere near.
These fascinating creatures, commonly known as rednecks, will be closely examined and discussed in this topic.

Posts: 235 | From: Atlanta, GA, USA | Registered: Jul 2002  |  IP: Logged
GMx

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Icon 1 posted March 24, 2003 20:04      Profile for GMx     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Why does it seem like that everyone that drives a pickup truck is an agressive a-hole driver? (more than just the regular agressive a-hole drivers)
Posts: 5855 | From: S-4, Area 51 | Registered: Jul 2002  |  IP: Logged
SpikeSpiegel
BlabberMouth, a Blabber Odyssey
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Icon 1 posted March 25, 2003 03:11      Profile for SpikeSpiegel     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
i drive a pick up truck.. im not an aggressive a-hole driver.

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its been a while

Posts: 3090 | From: Boston | Registered: Jun 2002  |  IP: Logged
GMx

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Icon 1 posted March 25, 2003 05:43      Profile for GMx     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Most aggressive a-hole drivers don't think they are. [Wink] I said why does it seem that most pickup truck drivers are aggressive. It may be different up there. [ohwell]
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Colonel Panic
BlabberMouth, the Next Generation
Member # 1200

Icon 1 posted March 25, 2003 06:24      Profile for Colonel Panic         Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by chicgeek:
Inspired by a suggestion from Col. Panic, this is a rant all about redneckus ignoramus, the interesting species by which I am surrounded in Midland.
Like Jeff Corwin or The Crocodile Hunter, I am delving into the most dangerous and exciting habitats of these animals, the likes of which most self-respecting individuals would not go anywhere near.
These fascinating creatures, commonly known as rednecks, will be closely examined and discussed in this topic.

While you're at it, don't forget basic studies in the common redneckus vulgaris. After you have that down, you can mov on to redneckus texas "Texas Whopper," "High Hair," "Bush's Ambush," "LBJ's Regret," and the ever popular "Lone Gunman."

Then there is the always deadly redneckus ayranus "White Power," and the related strain of redneckus religiousassus which includes "Waco Whackus," "McVeigh's Delight" "Weaver's Last Stand" and "Holier than Thou."

I find most of the redneckus species can also be identified by a distinct yellow belly. This is often typifieid by a distinct war cry, followed by demands that any war fought should be fought by another mother's son.

Colonel Panic

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Free! Free at last!

Posts: 1809 | From: Glacier Melt, USA | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged
spungo
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Icon 1 posted March 25, 2003 07:58      Profile for spungo     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
How do you know when you're a redneck? When you mow your lawn and find a pickup.

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Shameless plug. (Please forgive me.)

Posts: 6530 | From: Noba Scoba | Registered: Jan 2002  |  IP: Logged
cheezi git
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Icon 1 posted March 25, 2003 08:18      Profile for cheezi git     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
what do you call a redneck intellectual?

someone who doesn't shag their sister

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there were so many stains on the road. squashed miss mitten-shaped stains in the universe. squashed frog-shaped stains in the universe. squashed crows that tried to eat the squashed frog-shaped stains in the universe. squashed dogs...

Posts: 1929 | From: the left nostril of my cat | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged
spungo
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Icon 1 posted March 25, 2003 08:30      Profile for spungo     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Yup - the redneck motto - If it ain't kin, don't stick it in! [Wink]

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Shameless plug. (Please forgive me.)

Posts: 6530 | From: Noba Scoba | Registered: Jan 2002  |  IP: Logged
spungo
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Icon 1 posted March 25, 2003 08:37      Profile for spungo     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
... or your kids'll end up like this!

 -

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Shameless plug. (Please forgive me.)

Posts: 6530 | From: Noba Scoba | Registered: Jan 2002  |  IP: Logged
raydreams
Discontinued


Icon 1 posted March 25, 2003 08:51            Edit/Delete Post 

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Colonel Panic
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Icon 1 posted March 25, 2003 09:10      Profile for Colonel Panic         Edit/Delete Post 
Your porch falls down and kills more than 6 dogs.

Colonel Panic

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Free! Free at last!

Posts: 1809 | From: Glacier Melt, USA | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged
Xanthine

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Icon 1 posted March 25, 2003 12:54      Profile for Xanthine     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Your dress is strapless but your bra isn't.

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And it's one, two, three / On the wrong side of the lee / What were you meant for? / What were you meant for?
- The Decemberists

Posts: 7670 | From: the lab | Registered: Mar 2001  |  IP: Logged
Colonel Panic
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Member # 1200

Icon 1 posted March 25, 2003 13:04      Profile for Colonel Panic         Edit/Delete Post 
When the women lose their virginity, they shout, "Daddy, Stop! You're crushing my cigarettes!"

Colonel Panic

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Free! Free at last!

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TMBWITW,PB

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Icon 1 posted March 25, 2003 13:37      Profile for TMBWITW,PB     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
An old thread on the subject Here and a website on the subject Here.
Posts: 4010 | From: my couch | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged
spungo
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Icon 1 posted March 25, 2003 13:39      Profile for spungo     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by Colonel Panic:
When the women lose their virginity, they shout, "Daddy, Stop! You're crushing my cigarettes!"

Colonel Panic

[Big Grin] Oh, Lordy!
Posts: 6530 | From: Noba Scoba | Registered: Jan 2002  |  IP: Logged
GMx

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Icon 7 posted March 25, 2003 13:46      Profile for GMx     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
What has ten heads and three teeth?

The front row at a Willie Nelson concert. [Big Grin]

Posts: 5855 | From: S-4, Area 51 | Registered: Jul 2002  |  IP: Logged
Cap'n Vic

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Icon 1 posted March 25, 2003 14:36      Profile for Cap'n Vic     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by GMx:
What has ten heads and three teeth?

The front row at a Willie Nelson concert. [Big Grin]

HAHAHAHAHAHA [Big Grin]

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(!) (T) = 8-D

Posts: 5471 | From: One of the drones from sector 7G | Registered: Jun 2002  |  IP: Logged
Xanthine

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Icon 1 posted March 25, 2003 14:53      Profile for Xanthine     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You used parts from your brother's car to fix your mom's washer.

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And it's one, two, three / On the wrong side of the lee / What were you meant for? / What were you meant for?
- The Decemberists

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GrumpySteen

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Icon 1 posted March 25, 2003 18:03      Profile for GrumpySteen     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You might be in the presence of a redneck if...

One of your co-workers, who has been known to get on the PA system and fart so everyone hears it, shows up giggling like an idiot for half the day and you finally give in and ask and he explains that he has played a practical joke on his wife. Seems he was really drunk the night before and came up with the idea of peeing in toilet tank so that when she flushed the toilet the next morning, it still needed flushed.

(true story, btw)

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Worst. Celibate. Ever.

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raydreams
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Icon 1 posted March 25, 2003 20:16            Edit/Delete Post 

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chicgeek
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Icon 10 posted March 25, 2003 21:51      Profile for chicgeek     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm here, right middle of the natural habitat of the redneckus ignoramus: the bar. These are a fascinating species, indeed.

Right behind me are a few rednecks in the middle of a mating ritual.

After drinking out of a few brown bottles labeled "Bud Light", the male of the species begins to flaunt himself in order to attract the attention of the female. He struts toward her, tips his cowboy hat, and asks her to "dayance".

She, being rather intoxicated herself, takes his hand and they move toward the dance floor.

The male begins moving from one foot to another as the female moves her hips, alternately throwing her arms toward and away from her body. Yes, this is the mating dance of the redneck, a rather odd combination of girations and body spasms.

If you listen closely enough, you can hear the rednecks' brain cells voluntarily killing themselves off. Much like the lemming, the redneck brain cell seems doomed to extinction.

As the pair stumble off into the night, one can only hope that their nocturnal activities won't lead to more creation of their species.

Posts: 235 | From: Atlanta, GA, USA | Registered: Jul 2002  |  IP: Logged
Colonel Panic
BlabberMouth, the Next Generation
Member # 1200

Icon 1 posted March 26, 2003 06:09      Profile for Colonel Panic         Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by chicgeek:
I'm here, right middle of the natural habitat of the redneckus ignoramus: the bar. These are a fascinating species, indeed.

Right behind me are a few rednecks in the middle of a mating ritual.

After drinking out of a few brown bottles labeled "Bud Light", the male of the species begins to flaunt himself in order to attract the attention of the female. He struts toward her, tips his cowboy hat, and asks her to "dayance".

She, being rather intoxicated herself, takes his hand and they move toward the dance floor.

The male begins moving from one foot to another as the female moves her hips, alternately throwing her arms toward and away from her body. Yes, this is the mating dance of the redneck, a rather odd combination of girations and body spasms.

If you listen closely enough, you can hear the rednecks' brain cells voluntarily killing themselves off. Much like the lemming, the redneck brain cell seems doomed to extinction.

As the pair stumble off into the night, one can only hope that their nocturnal activities won't lead to more creation of their species.

A particularly mushy part of this ritual is when the male redneck embraces the female redneck with a longneck in his hand, placing the bottle in the small of her back, thus declaring that he loves her enough for her to come between him and his beer. True love!

Colonel Panic

--------------------
Free! Free at last!

Posts: 1809 | From: Glacier Melt, USA | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged
greycat

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Icon 1 posted March 26, 2003 06:59      Profile for greycat   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by raydreams:
You know you're a red neck if....

You've ever owned a stuffed Armadillo

Um... does this mean stuffed as in "toy stuffed animal" or as in "taxidermist was here"? If it's the former, I'm in trouble. Or my wife is.

quote:
You wake-up with a black eye and hicky
Y'know... that one actually sounds like fun. [crazy]
Posts: 1522 | From: Ohio, USA | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
raydreams
Discontinued


Icon 1 posted March 26, 2003 07:30            Edit/Delete Post 

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Colonel Panic
BlabberMouth, the Next Generation
Member # 1200

Icon 1 posted March 26, 2003 12:01      Profile for Colonel Panic         Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by raydreams:
quote:
Um... does this mean stuffed as in "toy stuffed animal" or as in "taxidermist was here"?
The later. You're safe.... as far as we know. [Smile]
So, Okay Mister raydreams-expert-on-Texas-redecks. [Wink]

Here's one for you? And I learned this down-a-your-way:

What's the difference between a cowboy and a pen rider?

Colonel Panic

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Free! Free at last!

Posts: 1809 | From: Glacier Melt, USA | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged


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