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Author Topic: What's a guy to do?
GameMaster
BlabberMouth, a Blabber Odyssey
Member # 1173

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Icon 1 posted May 07, 2002 20:06      Profile for GameMaster   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Edited due to babling, unreadability and because it was a truly confusing post.

Comming out of two longterm relationships, both of which started from strong, close friendships, I have now found myself too perfectionistic. Typically it has been this "feeling" that the person and I just wouldn't work. There is a list of qualities that I decided to consciencely look for in a GF. As it happens, the list hasn't been used, because this "feeling" that the girl isn't right for me stops me from getting as far as a list. I get this feeling whenI am planing on approching some one or even when someone displays intrest in me. Today, I ran into a girl who had an obvious crush on me in HS, but I was spoken for and wasn't intrest in considering "other options." Well, today, she was still flirting with me and we spent quite a while talking. I never really knew her back in HS, because we were never in any classes together. I realized that I was thinking about in a romatic way, and that there is at least potiential. Moreover, I didn't get this feeling that I've been getting, but there is a quality that when I made the list seemed to be very important to me that she just doesn't have. Dispite the list, I decided to ask her to lunch thursday. It bothers me that my list and feeling don't seem to be jiving, and I was wondering do I jive with my feeling or with this list? It seems like my heart has to chose between intuition and reason? I suppose the reason why I am over thinking this one so much is because it means that one of them is flawed. Unless I know it is flawed, I will continue to miss oppertunities to get know people and perhaps even miss asking Mrs.Right out on a first date. So, is the list wrong and outdated, do I not need that quality, or is my spiedie sence off (and I've been mising opertunities already)? It was always so much easier triping over my own two and into solid relationships with best friends. (heh, too bad my best friend is male now is male... Sorry, that's not for me.)

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Posts: 3038 | From: State of insanity | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged
snupy
BlabberMouth, a Blabber Odyssey
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Icon 1 posted May 07, 2002 22:00      Profile for snupy   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
That was the most confusing post I've ever read. What was the question? All i can say is, if you're already obsessing about a flaw she has, or you think she has, then why bother? I've learned the hard way(many times) that if there's something you don't like right out of the gate, you won't like it later, and he/she isn't going to change(contrary to popular belief). when you meet Ms Right, you'll just know...
Posts: 4269 | From: UK, via Chicago | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged
GameMaster
BlabberMouth, a Blabber Odyssey
Member # 1173

Member Rated:
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Icon 5 posted May 07, 2002 23:08      Profile for GameMaster   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I am posting this follow up to ask Snupy if her original reply is still what her answer is. I hope it is clear. Although I was born in America, can write technical papers and essays and speak with silver tounge, I still can't get to a point or speak without studering when I'm possessed with the thought. I think that emotion and heavy thought cause the lexdisia (dyslexia) to come through.

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Posts: 3038 | From: State of insanity | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged
MightyJoeSakic
Geek
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Icon 7 posted May 07, 2002 23:39      Profile for MightyJoeSakic   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well Snupy has a point about something, but I couldn't tell you what it was . You can't go around with a list. I mean you could say something like...uhhh I don't wanna date a woman that already has kids....or I don't want to date a woman that doesn't have her future mapped out yet. Stuff like that...

A couple prequalifiers are fine, but once you have a list...that's almost definitely too many. I would suggest just going out with people. Get to know people. Make friends. You don't need to find Miss Right today. Paradox is in effect. If you are looking for Miss Right, you'll never find her.

Plus once you make the list, then you become certain that you never want to date a woman that uhhh eats crackers in bed(example ). What if the woman you are supposed to be with eats crackers in bed, and you just disqualified her and passed her over?

I think the list really limits your options.

BTW... I won't go out with a woman who's favorite socks are the ones with the rubber non-slip stuff on the bottom. I hate those!!!

~Thom

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"It can't rain all the time"


Posts: 153 | From: The Pacific Rock/NAVCOMTELSTA GUAM GU | Registered: Apr 2002  |  IP: Logged
MrJ
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Icon 5 posted May 08, 2002 02:17      Profile for MrJ     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You don't make sense. If you don't really believe in your list why do you have it? How did you form this list? You talk about this list like you carved it in stone, signed it with blood, and now you're worried that if you disobey it, bolts of lightning will rain down upon you. And yet your list has a big hole in it, that you call a "feeling". If this quality is not important to you anymore, CHANGE THE LIST. If it is still important, then you have your answer: don't go further, but there's nothing wrong with getting to know someone. It should be that simple. Likewise if you have a "feeling" that is not on your list, ADD IT. If you are not allowed to alter your own list, then yes your list is flawed. You shouldn't expect to have known everything you wanted way back when you made the list.

The list should be based on the feelings you have that you can explain, call it a diary. "Intuition" can be explained in reason, maybe you just don't want to admit what you're feeling. You have to come to terms with this feeling before you decide it's flawed or not. Your list should reflect who you are, and not tell you who you should be. If you want to change who you are, then you have to stick to that list and believe in it or else you will fail. But that doesn't sound like the case. Also we're not talking about a computer firewall ruleset. If you have to draw a flow chart in your mind about this quality to map all the conditions, that's fine. It doesn't have to be either-or unless you want it to be. A list is just a tool for reasoning the pros and cons.

This explanation supports most of what was already said. As per snupy, if this quality is important, then don't bother, and don't expect her to change. I think MightyJoeSakic missed the point of a list though. If you know what qualities Miss Right will need, based on your own opinion and not someone else's, then you can make a list. If you don't know, then you can't tie yourself to your list because you may disqualify the wrong person.


Posts: 35 | From: near Grand Rapids, MI | Registered: Mar 2001  |  IP: Logged
MightyJoeSakic
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Icon 1 posted May 08, 2002 02:49      Profile for MightyJoeSakic   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Nah I didn't miss the point of a list. I just disagree with making one. After all how do we truly know what we want in another person until we find it? And if we found it, then why are we still looking for it?

In summary what the smurf have you been smurfing? The smurf of the matter is that the smurf is just not very smurfy, and should probably just be smurfed out for smurf's sake. Smurf?

~Thom

"Taking people's posts and bringing them down to a kindergarten level since April 2002"


Posts: 153 | From: The Pacific Rock/NAVCOMTELSTA GUAM GU | Registered: Apr 2002  |  IP: Logged
snupy
BlabberMouth, a Blabber Odyssey
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Icon 1 posted May 08, 2002 03:36      Profile for snupy   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by GameMaster:
I am posting this follow up to ask Snupy if her original reply is still what her answer is. I hope it is clear. Although I was born in America, can write technical papers and essays and speak with silver tounge, I still can't get to a point or speak without studering when I'm possessed with the thought. I think that emotion and heavy thought cause the lexdisia (dyslexia) to come through.


GameMaster, this is a little different now. You talk about a gut feeling versus a quality you,ve written on a piece of paper. It all depends on how important the quality she's lacking is to you. If it's something that doesn't jive with your values and beliefs, that's one thing, but if it's something petty like a physical attribute, that's just silly. Get to know who she really is, and if it feels wrong, don't persue it.And for God's sake, don't think so much-life is too short to try and apply logic and reason to love. If we all did that, the species would die off.


Posts: 4269 | From: UK, via Chicago | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged
GameMaster
BlabberMouth, a Blabber Odyssey
Member # 1173

Member Rated:
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Icon 1 posted May 08, 2002 10:23      Profile for GameMaster   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
This "list" is of qualities that I prefer, they aren't shollow qualities like "she has to look like..." or even "she has to be a geek." The things on the "list" are more like: Intelligence, Ethics... things like that. Sure I did write down a list once (out of curiosity) of the ideal girl, but that isn't what I'm using... Or rather isn't what would have used. Remember it's not the list that I'm questioning, I am questioning this "feeling," because it has been the true limiting agent. Well, I'll put my list away, and see tomarrow if my gut feelings are really worth being used.

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Posts: 3038 | From: State of insanity | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged
BasementDweller
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Icon 1 posted May 08, 2002 20:13      Profile for BasementDweller   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Okay, so when I was like 12, I had a list with 3 qualities my future man absolutely had to have. 1. Cultured (no petri dishes, please) 2. Adventurous 3. Athletic.

Okay, so I fell head over heels TWICE for men that were really none of these. My husband is kinda athletic, but that was mostly back in high school

he runs once every two weeks now. does that count?

Lists only expose are most superficial needs (Mine seemed to reflect a tendency towards James Bond types. Hmmmm. How unusual).

Open up and let yourself be suprised by people and qualities you didn't even know existed.

amy


Posts: 34 | From: longmont, co, usa | Registered: Feb 2002  |  IP: Logged
GameMaster
BlabberMouth, a Blabber Odyssey
Member # 1173

Member Rated:
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Icon 1 posted May 10, 2002 08:46      Profile for GameMaster   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I was just posting to a thread where a good member of the board made a realization, and during my responce realized exsactly what is wrong with my list. My list is made of qualities that wouldn't typically be called superficial, but the way in which I am using the list is immature and bound to cause me to miss the geekette/norm gal of my dreams (that is the dreams I would have never knowen I had). I think that the "feeling" had nothing to do with the girls that I was going to approach, or the ones that I turned down... I think it had to with the fact that, while I was lonely I wasn't ready to get back in to the world of relationships yet. I say this, because I haven't had the feeling since a certian significant even happened. As for the luch date I mentioned, she didn't show up. I know that she is intrested in me, and I could easily get her number from the university directories...
Now, topic twist, I know that calling someone who didn't give their number, could make the person feel uneasy, but if I don't it could happen that it is month, even a year, untill I next see her. So, do I get the number and call her (making sure to explain that I was worried thhat she didn't show up, and where I got the number)? Or, do I just move on?

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Posts: 3038 | From: State of insanity | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged
Geordie

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Icon 1 posted May 10, 2002 20:27      Profile for Geordie     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I don't think looking someones phone number in the directory and calling them when they missed a meeting with you is out of line.
Posts: 323 | From: Fairfax Station, VA, USA | Registered: Nov 2001  |  IP: Logged
AudrieRyan_geekgirl
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Icon 12 posted June 07, 2002 22:57      Profile for AudrieRyan_geekgirl   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Love does not follow a list because it changes. It changes because you change with it. What's the point of going along with love if you can't have your share of let downs? I say run amok with your wants (not those, silly!) and be as free-spirited with your relationships as you want. After all, if nothing comes from the relationship, you've made a friend that can make bail for you someday.

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Human love is the most beautiful, horrible thing in the world.


Posts: 186 | From: The padded cell next to the fire escape | Registered: Jun 2002  |  IP: Logged
neotatsu
BlabberMouth, a Blabber Odyssey
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Icon 1 posted June 20, 2002 22:31      Profile for neotatsu     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I've thought about this alot...now, I tried to make a list of the qualities etc that I look for in a girl, but...it's just...it's not somthing you can really do. I mean....as a geek I can't just look at every girl I come accross and say to myself "well she's cute" or somthing like that....I talk to people who I see looking at things I like, reading interesting books, etc etc...I have no list of musts really....the only thing that's a real must is inteligence....if a girl is intelligent that's good enough for me to be at least her friend, beyond that depends on how well we get along, which comes by hanging out with her...ah, but once again I'm not eloquint with words when it comes to expressing my feelings..well, good luck gm, and give that girl a call

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Procrastination is like Masturbation. All your doing is fucking yourself!


Posts: 2239 | From: Western WA | Registered: Jun 2002  |  IP: Logged
GameMaster
BlabberMouth, a Blabber Odyssey
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Icon 1 posted June 20, 2002 23:24      Profile for GameMaster   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Since this thread won't die, perhaps I should tell you all some of the things on the list, even though I'm nolonger (or ever hadcause to get as far as using the list).
- Intelligence
- Caring (I hate apathy.... I don't care if they are vilently opposed to my ideas, as long as they care enough to know there is something there to care about.)
- Sincerity (I know it is hard to judge, but I need someone who can give it to me straight... as much as I may hate it.)
- Lack of mask, or trasparent mask (this goes along with the previous two... I need to be able to see her for who she is, without having to play the games. Don't try to impress me, show me you.)
- Morals (If I see her willing to do something that is immoral (goes against the categorical imparitive) I'd have a hard time not feeling like I am encouraging her "bad behavoir" by being with her)

There are a few others, but they all follow this line of thinking. I have, as I said, realized that having even this list, does cause certian prejudgements to be made... And, I no longer plan to ever use said list. Please let the thread die.

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Posts: 3038 | From: State of insanity | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged


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