homeGeek CultureWebstoreeCards!Forums!Joy of Tech!AY2K!webcam

The Geek Culture Forums


Post New Topic  New Poll  Post A Reply
my profile | directory login | | search | faq | forum home
  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» The Geek Culture Forums   » News, Reviews, Views!   » Rants, Raves, Rumors!   » You want my @!#$% Resume

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: You want my @!#$% Resume
hal9000
Geek
Member # 9896

Icon 1 posted August 09, 2007 20:51      Profile for hal9000   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Put your name here
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington, DC 20006

703-912-1275

OBJECTIVE: Not to kill the next person that decides to blame the “network” for the problem that they caused. Example: Burned popcorn in the Nuker. It’s the network’s fault.

EXPERIENCE: for the last 18+ years I have been a professional Network Administrator and Engineer
Hours from when ever I can wake up to when its done, then work 8 to 5, and yes be available 24/7 for on call phone support.

Skills
Anger management: I try not to kill the next stupid whining son of a bitch that never has his facts together, yet can make a sweeping decision that “it’s the network” that caused his problem and “it’s all bad”.

Fireman: Because in fact everything is a fire drill for that person, and if you don’t make it a fire drill for them you will have to rely on your anger management, so you don’t have to kill them for whining.

Patience: This comes into play when you’re waiting for the user to type something for you. Following directions is beyond their pay scale. Why is it that they have to jump ahead do they really possess the mind reading capability chromosomes?

Languages you must be fluent in:
Gibberish: This is the language used when a user tries to explain his or her problem, only to find out that the problem isn’t a computer problem, it’s PEBKAC (Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair)

Foreign Gibberish: This is the same as regular gibberish but greatly enhanced by thick accents and use of confused grammar/sentence structure.

Incoherent babble: This is the crying person that describes their problem to be one thing, yet the problem is not even remotely near what is actually happening. This ties into listening. This will also require you to be compassionate.

Compassion:
The ability to lie to the user and tell them everything is ok. When its not, and your really not sure you got it on tape and that format “C:” they just preformed really did do them in.

Cleaning up after others: This is where the user tries to fix the problem themselves, but makes the problem worse by @#$! up the works, now you have both a fire drill and anger management to deal with.

Listening to Management: Yep, that person that exists only to make your job more difficult because he (rarely she) knows just barely enough about what you do, but lacks the comprehensive know how it requires to do it themselves. However, they can dictate policy (very dangerous). This person likes making up crap as they go along usually learned from reading a trade magazine or from a chain letter on the internet. This person is usually the first to open that new virus they heard about on CNN the previous night.

Listing to Users: This goes with language and helps you figure out the puzzle of why they cannot login because they have the caps lock key on for the fourth time this week.

Problem solving: My job in a nutshell. I have to be a proficient detective, forensic scientist and covert special ops guru. Why? So I can read the logs and figure out WTF happened in order to prevent future problems, and / or warn everyone about it so they know exactly what to do (to break it them selves) just to piss me off some more.

Great Memory: No I don’t have great memory, the last few firing neurons in my brain remember where I can look up the answers. (BTW that’s the same place everyone else does and its called the internet) No I can’t remember everyone’s password! No I am not capable of reading minds and yes I carry a bag of magic pixy dust to fix problems!

Education (but none of this means crap because they don’t listen to you anyways)
High school (Slacker Central)
US Navy (learned how to be a man)
School of hard knocks (constantly in this Institution}
Strayer University (dropped out cause I was paying people to tell me to read a book, I bought the books and read them my self, why should I have to pay to do that?)
Phoenix University (same situation as Strayer but I have better control over my anger management and I didn’t kill anyone this time.)

Certifications (same as Education)
RHCE
CCNE
MCSE 2
A+
Net +

References:
I nuked all those bridges because I had not perfected my anger management skills yet, but I am doing better the medicine really helps. I’m still awaiting trial.

I am a US Citizen
I have an active secret clearance.

--------------------
P.E.B.K.A.C. if you can fix this, you can fix anything.

Posts: 183 | From: VA under a bridge living in a van. | Registered: Jul 2007  |  IP: Logged
CommanderShroom
BlabberMouth, a Blabber Odyssey
Member # 2097

Member Rated:
4
Icon 1 posted August 10, 2007 01:04      Profile for CommanderShroom     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Heh.

I do believe compassion is why I am here. Because most days a monkey hung over on cheap beer or gin can do this job. ( I assume this because that is how I do it)

I learned compassion from my kids, and how to lie from being married. "No dear, I didn't notice that you have gained 60 lbs in the last 6 months." So I have now perfected the ability to fake compassion. Perhaps I should go into politics...

--------------------
Does he know our big secret?
Has one of us confessed?
'Bout the wires circuits and motors
Buried in our chest

Posts: 2465 | From: Utarrrrggggghhh!!!!!!!! | Registered: Mar 2003  |  IP: Logged
hal9000
Geek
Member # 9896

Icon 1 posted August 10, 2007 07:40      Profile for hal9000   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
DUDE, stop it.... if i laugh any harder i think i will split my spleen.

--------------------
P.E.B.K.A.C. if you can fix this, you can fix anything.

Posts: 183 | From: VA under a bridge living in a van. | Registered: Jul 2007  |  IP: Logged
Mac D
BlabberMouth, the Next Generation
Member # 2926

Icon 1 posted August 10, 2007 08:15      Profile for Mac D     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by hal9000:

Thats the coolest name. The movie was a over hyped, bloted crap fest but the computer in it was cool.

--------------------
There's nothing wrong with me, This is how I'm supposed to be.

Posts: 1449 | From: Where I am is very relative to my location at that time. | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged
quantumfluff
BlabberMouth, a Blabber Odyssey
Member # 450

Member Rated:
5
Icon 1 posted August 11, 2007 08:29      Profile for quantumfluff     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
... The movie was a over hyped, bloated crap fest but the computer in it was cool.
I've got to assume that's the voice of arrogant youth talking - anything older than last week sucks.
Were you even born when 2001 came out? It is actually a great film. Wonderful cinematography. Excellent special effects for the time. Reasonably faithful to the book. And the voice of HAL was really well performed - creepy underneath the calm friendliness. The scene where Poole cuts out HALs higher thought functions is still memorable 30 years after I saw it in the theater.

Posts: 2902 | From: 5 to 15 meters above sea level | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged
TMBWITW,PB

Member # 1734

Member Rated:
5
Icon 1 posted August 11, 2007 11:48      Profile for TMBWITW,PB     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by quantumfluff:
... The movie was a over hyped, bloated crap fest but the computer in it was cool.
I've got to assume that's the voice of arrogant youth talking - anything older than last week sucks.
Were you even born when 2001 came out? It is actually a great film. Wonderful cinematography. Excellent special effects for the time. Reasonably faithful to the book. And the voice of HAL was really well performed - creepy underneath the calm friendliness. The scene where Poole cuts out HALs higher thought functions is still memorable 30 years after I saw it in the theater.

Honestly, I just can't get through the opening with a half hour of jumping monkeys. The one time I made it through the opening I had to leave when they started playing the entire Blue Danube Waltz the second time. Maybe I would enjoy it more if I had read the book.

--------------------
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye."
—Miss Piggy

Posts: 4010 | From: my couch | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged
maswan

Lord of the Root!
Member # 269

Member Rated:
5
Icon 1 posted August 11, 2007 13:44      Profile for maswan   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by quantumfluff:
... The movie was a over hyped, bloated crap fest but the computer in it was cool.
I've got to assume that's the voice of arrogant youth talking - anything older than last week sucks.
Were you even born when 2001 came out? It is actually a great film. Wonderful cinematography. Excellent special effects for the time. Reasonably faithful to the book. And the voice of HAL was really well performed - creepy underneath the calm friendliness. The scene where Poole cuts out HALs higher thought functions is still memorable 30 years after I saw it in the theater.

Faithful to the book? The movie is loosely based on one or two short stories by Clarke, but the book is based on the movie, not the other way around.

And I did love the movie, it is beautiful and interesting. A bit slow in parts, but nothing bad about that. Heck, I even liked Solaris (the old russian one, not the new version), and that's way slower than 2001.

Posts: 71 | From: Umeå, Sweden | Registered: Jan 2000  |  IP: Logged
GrumpySteen

Solid Nitrozanium SuperFan
Member # 170

Icon 1 posted August 11, 2007 14:40      Profile for GrumpySteen     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
maswan wrote:
the book is based on the movie, not the other way around.

<pedant>
Actually, the book and novel were created at the same time. The book just wasn't co-written by Kubrick while the screenplay was.
</pedant>

--------------------
Worst. Celibate. Ever.

Posts: 6364 | From: Tennessee | Registered: Jan 2000  |  IP: Logged
fs

Solid Nitrozanium SuperFan!
Member # 1181

Icon 1 posted August 11, 2007 15:30      Profile for fs   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Steen:
<pedant>
Actually, the book and novel were created at the same time. The book just wasn't co-written by Kubrick while the screenplay was.
</pedant>

<pedant>
I think you mean book and screenplay, or perhaps script and novel.
</pedant>

[Big Grin]

--------------------
I'm in ur database, makin' moar recordz.

Posts: 1973 | From: The Cat Ship | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged
GrumpySteen

Solid Nitrozanium SuperFan
Member # 170

Icon 1 posted August 11, 2007 15:56      Profile for GrumpySteen     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Heh... and I can't even claim that I was drunk. yeah, I meant book and screenplay.

--------------------
Worst. Celibate. Ever.

Posts: 6364 | From: Tennessee | Registered: Jan 2000  |  IP: Logged
hal9000
Geek
Member # 9896

Icon 1 posted August 12, 2007 09:56      Profile for hal9000   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Good morning Dave....

--------------------
P.E.B.K.A.C. if you can fix this, you can fix anything.

Posts: 183 | From: VA under a bridge living in a van. | Registered: Jul 2007  |  IP: Logged
Snaggy

Sir Snaggalot!
Member # 123

Member Rated:
5
Icon 1 posted August 12, 2007 21:21      Profile for Snaggy   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
OT: Solaris, the original film, is one of my favorites. I especially like the water greasses scenes... slow but awesome.
Posts: 8111 | From: Canada | Registered: Jan 2000  |  IP: Logged
Callipygous
BlabberMouth, a Blabber Odyssey
Member # 2071

Member Rated:
4
Icon 1 posted August 13, 2007 06:56      Profile for Callipygous     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Snaggy yes! I have it on DVD, and most of Tarkovsky's other films as well. Like Kubrick he too was a 100% copperbottomed film genius. I'd rather watch the worst film by either of them than almost anything by anyone else.

I can understand why someone like MacD is less than impressed, as so much of 2001 that is so brilliant, imaginative and original, such as the opening sequence has been quoted and referred to and parodied in so many other films and on TV, that it could appear clichéd to him. One cannot for example easily put oneself back in time to the opening of the film, when for nearly all of the audience, Strauss's "Also Sprach Zarathrustra" was an unknown piece of music. It must be rather like watching Hamlet for the first time and only hearing quotations.

--------------------
"Knowledge is Power. France is Bacon" - Milton

Posts: 2922 | From: Brighton - UK | Registered: Mar 2003  |  IP: Logged
Sxeptomaniac

Member # 3698

Member Rated:
4
Icon 1 posted August 13, 2007 09:16      Profile for Sxeptomaniac   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I haven't liked all of of the Kubric movies I've seen, but I did enjoy 2001.

--------------------
Let's pray that the human race never escapes from Earth to spread its iniquity elsewhere. - C. S. Lewis

Posts: 1590 | From: Fresno, CA | Registered: Mar 2005  |  IP: Logged
Huicho
Geek-in-Training
Member # 7905

Member Rated:
5
Icon 1 posted August 14, 2007 15:06      Profile for Huicho     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I liked 2010. Not as cool as 2001, but it had an interesting concept.
Posts: 35 | From: Sierra Vista, AZ | Registered: Apr 2007  |  IP: Logged
Serenak

Member # 2950

Member Rated:
4
Icon 1 posted August 14, 2007 16:42      Profile for Serenak     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
As is so often the case I have to applaud and agree with Calli...

2001 was amazing and awesome - but to watch it now for the first time I can imagine its power being diluted by the endless pastiches and parodies that have followed...

Clockwork Orange is the same... even more so as it was denied a UK showing at its "true time"

--------------------
"So if you want my address - it's No. 1 at the end of the bar, where I sit with the broken angels, clutching at straws and nursing my scars..."

Posts: 1937 | From: Suffolk England | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged
hal9000
Geek
Member # 9896

Icon 1 posted August 14, 2007 20:20      Profile for hal9000   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I think i need to rewatch the movies...
damm you guys remember too much... now where the hell did i put my beer and remote

--------------------
P.E.B.K.A.C. if you can fix this, you can fix anything.

Posts: 183 | From: VA under a bridge living in a van. | Registered: Jul 2007  |  IP: Logged
hal9000
Geek
Member # 9896

Icon 1 posted August 29, 2007 21:41      Profile for hal9000   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I wonder if anyone used this as thier resume?

--------------------
P.E.B.K.A.C. if you can fix this, you can fix anything.

Posts: 183 | From: VA under a bridge living in a van. | Registered: Jul 2007  |  IP: Logged


All times are Eastern Time  
Post New Topic  New Poll  Post A Reply Close Topic    Move Topic    Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:

Contact Us | Geek Culture Home Page

© 2015 Geek Culture

Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classicTM 6.4.0



homeGeek CultureWebstoreeCards!Forums!Joy of Tech!AY2K!webcam