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Author Topic: Male perspective please
YaYawoman

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Icon 1 posted October 25, 2005 20:07      Profile for YaYawoman     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hello everyone. I have a question. I took a self-imposed dating sabbatical, and after 3 years I decided to dip my big toe back into the dating pool. It seems dating may have changed, or men. I don't know, maybe it is just me. Can I get your opinion on which? Thanks.

The men I have dated are nice, but they fall into one of two categories: Space filler or Total Commitment Right Now. Space filler I can handle, no problem. It is the other extreme that baffles me. A couple of pleasant dates(no nookie) and it is joined at the hip, lets move in, Etc.

I am a self-supporting independent woman who likes being in charge of my life,money, children and time. When I try to explain this to them, they wind up trying to make me feel like a freak or abnormal for not wanting a relationship like that.

I try to explain that I would love to have a supporting, exclusive relationship, just with decent space and alone time for reading and thinking and dreaming. They dont seem to get it. Oh hell, I dont either. One accused me of being a future cat lady.(like a verbal attack isgoing to make me feel more loving HA)

My question is why do men seem to be either looking for goodfornow or foreverinchains? Where is the middle ground? Men baffle me, but then people baffle me. Eh, cats aint so bad. Thanks.

P.s. If it sounds like I'm whining, I don't mean to. Im pretty happy with where I am in my life generally, just not tonight I guess. God(s)save me from rednecks.

Posts: 765 | From: virginia | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged
CommanderShroom
BlabberMouth, a Blabber Odyssey
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Icon 1 posted October 25, 2005 20:47      Profile for CommanderShroom     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Well I can't help you there. I am just getting bak into the world of singledom myself.

But I guess age does have something to with it. When people hit 30 or so there seems to be only two major categories of people.

1.) The confirmed single and have fun crowd.
2.) The single and hating it crowd.

So then you get the extremes you have run into. But if you figure out where the mellow ones are at, let know where they are. Because hopefully there will be women there too.


Don't really care for cats, but dogs are cool. [Razz]

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Does he know our big secret?
Has one of us confessed?
'Bout the wires circuits and motors
Buried in our chest

Posts: 2465 | From: Utarrrrggggghhh!!!!!!!! | Registered: Mar 2003  |  IP: Logged
Cap'n Vic

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Icon 1 posted October 25, 2005 20:54      Profile for Cap'n Vic     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
It has been a while since I have had to date, but the way I remember it is there is a pretty fine line between fuck buddy and moving in with some one. It always seems to happen fairly quickly....as do the restraining orders and mace.

Care to elborate on the 'middle ground' thing?

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(!) (T) = 8-D

Posts: 5471 | From: One of the drones from sector 7G | Registered: Jun 2002  |  IP: Logged
csk

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Icon 1 posted October 25, 2005 20:58      Profile for csk     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hmm, interesting. So basically we've got the reverse of the usual stereotype going on here, with you being the one not wanting to over-commit, needing some space to avoid being over crowded, etc. In theory, there should be loads of guys who'd jump at this sort of relationship. In practice, I suspect your division of guys into either wanting a "fling" for lack of a better word, or wanting a long term highly committed relationship is a pretty accurate one. And as Shroom said, the older guys get, the more firmly into either category they are going to fit.

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6 weeks to go!

Posts: 4455 | From: Sydney, Australia | Registered: Jan 2003  |  IP: Logged
CommanderShroom
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Icon 1 posted October 25, 2005 21:00      Profile for CommanderShroom     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I think she means -

Yeah we'll mess around but your pants aren't hanging off the chair tomorrow after 8 am and I'll see you at the movies on Saturday...

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Does he know our big secret?
Has one of us confessed?
'Bout the wires circuits and motors
Buried in our chest

Posts: 2465 | From: Utarrrrggggghhh!!!!!!!! | Registered: Mar 2003  |  IP: Logged
Cap'n Vic

Member # 1477

Icon 1 posted October 25, 2005 21:06      Profile for Cap'n Vic     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by CommanderShroom:
I think she means -

Yeah we'll mess around but your pants aren't hanging off the chair tomorrow after 8 am and I'll see you at the movies on Saturday...

Fuck buddies.

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(!) (T) = 8-D

Posts: 5471 | From: One of the drones from sector 7G | Registered: Jun 2002  |  IP: Logged
YaYawoman

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Icon 1 posted October 25, 2005 21:55      Profile for YaYawoman     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hi everybody- I'm Baaack!HahAHA. Actually, I am at work, and sometimes I have to actually get off,get up and ...work, go figure.

Thanks for posting back. Hm, let me see if I can figure this out a little better, in order to explain myself a little better. Where to start?

Commandershroom: I guess the age thing does play into it. I'm not quite as cold as hey babe,get your pants out of my house by 7, hey make me breakfast on your way out. (I think this may help explain the "middle" for Capn Vic too) It would be nice to be special to someone. You know, that whole got your back thing. Monogomous, but not requiring either one of us to have our heads up each others butts. I swear to god, I have had to urge them to do the things they used to do all the time! "Why don't you go fish?" Hey hon, why dont you go out with the guys and go shoot pool while I read this new Pratchett book" nope. Had to have their head up my butt and their hip surgically attached. Maybe some of it might be control issues. I don't know. Maybe what I'm whining about is I want tolove/be loved, rely/be relied on, comfort/ be comforted but not be expected to account for every moment, or be expected to be in charge of others happiness. That is more what I meant!! They seemed to expect that they "loved"me, therefore I needed to be available 24/7 to make sure that they were happy! you know, that whole "you complete me" malarkey. We are responsible for our own actions and happiness and contentment. God thanks guys! It was staring me in the face, but it took this god-awful rant for me to actually figure it out myself. thank you!!

Posts: 765 | From: virginia | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged
Callipygous
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Icon 1 posted October 26, 2005 05:36      Profile for Callipygous     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Part of the difficulty is once you are not quite so innocent and shiny eyed, you generally want a little time and space to figure people out before you get close. In your position I would be extremely wary of anyone that wants to get too close too quick. That's just needy, and a good relationship comes from two people who are strong and confident enough to enjoy their own lives as well as each other's company.

Good luck!

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"Knowledge is Power. France is Bacon" - Milton

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Serenak

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Icon 1 posted October 26, 2005 07:45      Profile for Serenak     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
"I don't want to be your other half,
I believe that one and one makes two..."
[Alanis Morrisette]

I think that sums up where you are coming from does it not?

And yes I know exactly what you mean... Some people just can't get past the idea that a relationship grows... it doesn't spring fully formed into being with one meal and a couple of glasses of wine...

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"So if you want my address - it's No. 1 at the end of the bar, where I sit with the broken angels, clutching at straws and nursing my scars..."

Posts: 1937 | From: Suffolk England | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged
Grey_girl

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Icon 1 posted October 26, 2005 07:55      Profile for Grey_girl     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
YaYa, AMEN! Thanks for putting things so succinctly. CSK, it isn't about a lack of a commitment. It's about wanting a relationship that still allows you to be you, without that relationship taking over your entire life. The relationship YaYa describes can be a very deeply committed one. It's more about not being crowded. It is possible. Rare, but possible.

Personally, I've sort of given up on dating. It's not worth the aggravation. I'm no troll, and I like to think I'm at least mildly interesting and sometimes very funny, but I haven't had a date in a year. I fall into C'Shroom's single and hating it category, but I'm not about to compromise either. I do get out and try to meet people, but so far? Zilch.

Let's see... I love to read, I knit, I own two cats... yeah, I'm living in Crazy Old Cat Lady-ville.

Posts: 764 | From: NYC | Registered: May 2003  |  IP: Logged
Colonel Panic
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Icon 1 posted October 26, 2005 09:11      Profile for Colonel Panic         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Dear Ya Ya

If the glass frame with your recent crochet project falls off the wall and hits more than one cat, then you might be a future cat lady.

Not trying to be judgemental there. Just stating a truth.

Cap'n Vic, MACE can be avoided once you notice the first three numbers of the phone call she is making are 9-1-1. Wearing gloves and a cheap disposable pair of K-Mart sneakers can help foil the CSI, too. Avoid using the initials B-T-K when meeting a dating prospect.

Ya-ya. As for guys who want fast commitment. Some of those fellows just might not have attained the level of maturity where they realize that they can share intimacy with you without sharing the same china pattern. A wonderful woman, a long time ago, very gently and sweetly asked me, "Can we have fun without this developing into a commited, monogamous relationship?" It could. It did. And she remains a friend to this day.

You might try the same thing.

Over time, I've developed a number of dating circles. I date. I see a number of different women, and they all delight me for one reason or another. One or two I see frequently. Three more I see now and then. And there is a large number I see infrequently. I enourage the women I see to do the same thing. There are many wonderful women who are quite satisfied with this kind of "No Push" relationship, and the freedom that it affords them.

If something works out with me, I could become monogamous. It's almost happened a time or, two. Women with cats are a problem, since I am allergic to them. And my brother's greyhound, "Dog," has an affinity for chasing and catching cats (my allergies and "Dog" enjoy a great relationship). Cats around here keep in shape, too.

Wicker, heart-shaped baskets now work like garlic to a vampire on me. As do stacks of "Country Home" magazine.

Ya-ya, to repel rednecks instantly, two key phrases, "Hillary Clinton," and "Gun Control." Those ought to send them back to adoring their pin-up posters of Ned Beatty.

If that doesn't work and they start to get grabby, simply tell them in a loud, firm voice, "Hey, Bubba, it's not like I'm your sister or your mama!" That usually sends the message in a language they can understand. If not, talk to Cap'n Vic about MACE.

CP

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Free! Free at last!

Posts: 1809 | From: Glacier Melt, USA | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged
csk

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Icon 1 posted October 26, 2005 09:32      Profile for csk     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Grey_girl:
YaYa, AMEN! Thanks for putting things so succinctly. CSK, it isn't about a lack of a commitment. It's about wanting a relationship that still allows you to be you, without that relationship taking over your entire life. The relationship YaYa describes can be a very deeply committed one. It's more about not being crowded. It is possible. Rare, but possible.

Sorry, I guess I was speaking shorthand a bit there. I meant "relationship without the usual patterns of commitment like cohabiting, large quantities of time spent together, etc". And I definitely want my next relationship to be more like the one you describe than my past one.

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6 weeks to go!

Posts: 4455 | From: Sydney, Australia | Registered: Jan 2003  |  IP: Logged
Swiss Mercenary

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Icon 1 posted October 26, 2005 09:47      Profile for Swiss Mercenary     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by YaYawoman:
"Hey hon, why dont you go out with the guys and go shoot pool while I read this new Pratchett book"

Err, should that not be:
"Sit in the chair opposite reading the latest David Weber, while waiting for me to finish reading the new Pratchett?"

Or

"Go play D&D or World of Warcraft."

[Wink] [Big Grin]

Category 2, but not desperate, I hope.

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Evil AI at work.
I am Swiss of Borg. Holes are irrelevant, cheese will be assimilated!

Posts: 2275 | From: All the way from the land of Chocolate, Cheese and Cuckoo Clocks. | Registered: Feb 2000  |  IP: Logged
Stereo

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Icon 12 posted October 26, 2005 10:10      Profile for Stereo     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
YaYa; Any chance it could be that you are so fantastic that some guys are afraid to lose you if you are not within sight? [Big Grin]

(Just trying to put some fun in my bland day...)

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Eppur, si muove!

Galileo Galilei

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Super Flippy

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Icon 1 posted October 26, 2005 10:43      Profile for Super Flippy   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Err, should that not be:
"Sit in the chair opposite reading the latest David Weber, while waiting for me to finish reading the new Pratchett?"

Funny because it's true, Swiss. I knew Mr. SF and I were going to be together for the long haul after the night we spent hanging out in his apartment reading sci-fi novels and eating a big bag of candy.

Good luck with the dating, YaYa, and with avoiding the clingy, over-sharing guys. Maybe you can sneak into corporate events and find yourself a nice workaholic?

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Stormtalon
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Icon 1 posted October 26, 2005 10:50      Profile for Stormtalon   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Swiss Mercenary:
quote:
Originally posted by YaYawoman:
"Hey hon, why dont you go out with the guys and go shoot pool while I read this new Pratchett book"

Err, should that not be:
"Sit in the chair opposite reading the latest David Weber, while waiting for me to finish reading the new Pratchett?"

Or

"Go play D&D or World of Warcraft."

[Wink] [Big Grin]

Category 2, but not desperate, I hope.

Dude, I can so relate, only Category 2 should really be a mutual interest thing, don'tcha think? [Smile] That way you can do things together without really "BEING TOGETHER" and crowding each other all the time. Honestly, sometimes I find myself damn envious of all the married/happy couples I know on WoW.

Hell, I'm finally thinking about throwing myself back into the availability pool myself, only I'm not quite sure how to locate a good, single, gamer geek gal in my area. Unfortunately, getting out and meeting people is not exactly my strongest suit. Rather than being in the "single and loving it" or the "single and hating it" groups, I'd probably put myself in the "single and resigned to it" category.

And YaYa -- there's guys like you describe out there. It's just they're hard to spot out there in the wild. A little patience, a little tenacity, and a sturdy oyster knife to pry 'em outta their shells should be all you need. [Big Grin]

Stormtalon

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Those who are easily offended should be.
And often.

WoW: The Crazy Ones

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The White Tree
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Icon 1 posted October 26, 2005 13:46      Profile for The White Tree     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hey, I am so up for D&D. If my girlfriend ever suggested that, I would be up for it. I gotta get her to do it sometime. She would be perfect, though she hasn't had the time to play yet.

Anyway, I have to say "STOP!" to the guys who want that kind of commital up front. They must be pretty desperate if they want a commitment right away, and I would say they aren't worth it.

Posts: 201 | From: York, PA, residing/school at NNPTC at NWS Charleston, SC. | Registered: Jun 2005  |  IP: Logged
YaYawoman

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Icon 1 posted October 28, 2005 15:26      Profile for YaYawoman     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Thank you everyone for replying and giving me some good ideas to think about. David Weber is just as much fun as pratchett to me, it just depends on the mood. Most men around here have no clue what I am talking about when I start flinging my favorite authors around. Sigh. HILLARY CLINTON! Damn, it worked like a charm, listen to them damn cricketts. Ha HA. I am just an average person dealing with an average life. Thanks greygirl you put it better in one small paragraph than I ever could. Gotta go. Bye
Posts: 765 | From: virginia | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged
ewomack
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Icon 1 posted October 28, 2005 20:09      Profile for ewomack   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
YaYa, it simply sounds like you haven't found the right person yet. Keep looking and don't give up.

Judging by your description of your self and your life, you may attract gold diggers or those looking for financial or motherly support.

Men don't like feeling needy. They hate admitting it even more. But a single man can be an emotional vaccuum waiting to suck in any potential support within 100 feet. LOOK OUT!! NEEDY MAN AT 6 O'CLOCK!!! GRAB THE HULL!!! And a lot of men simply use women as crutches. And some don't know how to take care of themselves, and so hunt for "mother replacements" (I've know too many of these over-pampered types and the poor women who willingly do their laundry and peel their underwear from lampshades). Through many channels guys grow up with the idea that "no woman == no life". So they get desperate too. Of course the same could also be said for a lot of women. We all go through the same deal regardless of what we have down there. In the end, it's all a matter of finding the right person.

Good luck!! [Big Grin]

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Ed Womack
Get Milked

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