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Author Topic: how can i get him to notice me?
dragonman97

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Icon 1 posted June 26, 2004 16:17      Profile for dragonman97   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hmm, on a related note, somethign I've been curious about for awhile: How is an 'out of the blue' approach to someone in a coffee shop received? I.e. if someone's sitting alone, possibly with a book, and perhaps you were going to do the same, how does something like "Mind if I join you?" go about? Is it more common to get a "Go to hell" response, way too forward, or is there a ghost of a chance it'll work?

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TMBWITW,PB

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Icon 1 posted June 26, 2004 16:21      Profile for TMBWITW,PB     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by snupy:
Having any "plan" of action is bad. Period. No games, imho.

I don't think a plan necessarily means your're playing games. A plan could be something as simple as knowing you have an extra ticket for a concert and then asking him if he likes that band. Of course I've never really tried to spark a romance with someone I didn't know well. I've only dated people I was friends with. Although there can be a negative side to that as well...

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"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye."
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dragonman97

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Icon 1 posted June 26, 2004 16:28      Profile for dragonman97   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by TMBWITW,PB:
quote:
Originally posted by snupy:
Having any "plan" of action is bad. Period. No games, imho.

I don't think a plan necessarily means your're playing games. A plan could be something as simple as knowing you have an extra ticket for a concert and then asking him if he likes that band. Of course I've never really tried to spark a romance with someone I didn't know well. I've only dated people I was friends with. Although there can be a negative side to that as well...
I think by 'plan,' snupy means, 'ulterior motive.' i.e. Thinking 15 steps ahead.

My take on all things romantic is "Don't overthink things." It's way too easy for me to do that, and it's the best way to fsck things up. If you're thinking something - say it...don't just think it. Yeah, that last point is definitely an important one.

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There are three things you can be sure of in life: Death, taxes, and reading about fake illnesses online...

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snupy
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Icon 1 posted June 26, 2004 18:09      Profile for snupy   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Thanks, Dman. Yes, I meant plan as in, "I'm gonna play hard to get" i.e., "The Rules". Rubbish book, imo. All about "catching" a man, basically. I think it cheapens the whole idea of romance and love.

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"I just ordered an extra-long straw to avoid accidentally doing a sit-up"-Jay, Modern Family

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Xanthine

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Icon 1 posted June 26, 2004 18:20      Profile for Xanthine     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I think that following "The Rules" will get you a man...but I'm not sure it'll get you the kind of man you want. As a labmate said, "You'll get the quarterback of you HS football team." The quarterback on my HS football team was a drunken jerk. How about yours?

It's the guy who notices you and likes you when you're just being yourself that you want.

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And it's one, two, three / On the wrong side of the lee / What were you meant for? / What were you meant for?
- The Decemberists

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dragonman97

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Icon 1 posted June 26, 2004 18:43      Profile for dragonman97   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Xanthine:
I think that following "The Rules" will get you a man...but I'm not sure it'll get you the kind of man you want. As a labmate said, "You'll get the quarterback of you HS football team." The quarterback on my HS football team was a drunken jerk. How about yours?

It's the guy who notices you and likes you when you're just being yourself that you want.

Ahh...that makes a bit more sense. To me, a girl who follows "The Rules" would be a stuck-up little princess. Who needs that? Oh yeah, a dumb jock who says "Oooh, shiny." OTOH, my geeky friend says that about technology stuff (and that's where I took the brilliant quote from) [Wink] .

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There are three things you can be sure of in life: Death, taxes, and reading about fake illnesses online...

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Xanthine

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Icon 1 posted June 26, 2004 21:42      Profile for Xanthine     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hehe, I say the same thing when looking at my crystals under polarized light...

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And it's one, two, three / On the wrong side of the lee / What were you meant for? / What were you meant for?
- The Decemberists

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csk

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Icon 1 posted June 27, 2004 05:51      Profile for csk     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Xanthine:
That said, acting desperate tends to turn men off.

Oh, I don't know. My first "girlfriend" asked me out by saying "I'm really desparate, will you go out with me?" Yes, I said yes. What a sad period of life that was (she dropped me for one of my friends a week later, so no harm done [Big Grin] )

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6 weeks to go!

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csk

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Icon 1 posted June 27, 2004 05:55      Profile for csk     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by dragonman97:
I think by 'plan,' snupy means, 'ulterior motive.' i.e. Thinking 15 steps ahead.

My take on all things romantic is "Don't overthink things." It's way too easy for me to do that, and it's the best way to fsck things up. If you're thinking something - say it...don't just think it. Yeah, that last point is definitely an important one.

Yep, know what you mean there. I've always over analysed way more than I've communicated, and now it's coming back to bite me since I'm driving myself nuts with over analysis since the communication lines are shot to pieces.

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6 weeks to go!

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v01d
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Icon 1 posted June 27, 2004 07:06      Profile for v01d     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
on the topic of coffee-shops:
I'd say it depends on the shop you go to, but in general, chances to strike up a conversation - fair,
chances to get to know somebody - very slim,
unless it's your local shop that you always go to
at 8:30 sharp every single day before work or something..
I had a buddy once who'd always hit on somebody every single time he went to a coffee-shop.
~10% of times the girl would respond in "yes-no", finish her "coffee" and get out.
another 20% - she'd stay but look so "bored" that anybody else would like to get out.
the other 70% - they'd have a tolerable conversation.
about 5% of these would eventually say "hi" if he sees them again.
~0.5% would join him next time on their own accord

What would you do to approach a stranger? It seems quite a bit more challenging than the original poster's question.

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There're running jobs. Why don't you go chase them?

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eDJ
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Icon 10 posted July 07, 2004 21:53      Profile for eDJ     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Show up naked.....with beer!

eDJ

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I don't give a shit...I don't take any shit. I'm not in the shit business.

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drunkennewfiemidget
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Icon 1 posted July 08, 2004 06:29      Profile for drunkennewfiemidget     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
OK, here's my two cents. You know you want it. [Wink]

First, dman, it's worked for me. NO decent human being will say, "go to hell." If they do, they're not even worth knowing, much less picking up.

The most common way they'll say, "I'm not interested" is one of:

"I'm waiting for someone."
"I was just leaving."
"I'm waiting for my boyfriend."
etc.

But I've done it and received plenty of, "sure! sit down!" Some of them turned out to be great people that I became friends with, some turned out to be total weirdos, but it never hurts to try.

Only other advice I can give on that one, is don't let someone turning you down be a distraction, solely because you can't seem attractive or interesting to everyone. That's just not possible.

As for the liking the guy at the pool thing, as a guy, I'll tell you that playing hard to get WORKS WONDERS with me. As long as I know or have somehow been given a hint that I will somehow or someway succeed. If I think it's a hopeless cause, I won't pursue, but if she plays hard to get, that really does make me want her more. Just watch out for mixed signals. Don't make him think he has a chance, and then talk about your date this coming Friday.

And on another note, the one general rule of thumb I've learned that seems to be consistent across all people and relationships, is when you're first talking, or on your first date, KEEP IT LIGHT. Don't start talking about your past relationships, don't talk about your lifeplan, don't talk about your depression, should you suffer from it, etc. Talk about the weather, current events, jokes, etc. Things that make you smile, or are just generally interesting, but not very deep. You scare people off that way.

Of course that's just my opinion, I could be wrong. (Dennis Miller rocks. [Wink] )

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Rhonwyyn

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Icon 1 posted July 23, 2004 11:13      Profile for Rhonwyyn   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by ooby:
Thinking for a bit about the original post, I don't like people until after I interact with them. Maybe you should reclassify your 'liking' him to 'has a crush on' or 'thinks he's cute.' Then you may be able to think of steps to get you to 'determining if he likes you and if you like him,' which, in many cases, is called a 'date.'

YAY!! Someone else on this planet agrees that you can't really like someone until you know them. My sister gets annoyed with me when she points out a "hot" guy and I don't act impressed. Sorry, Sis, but while I judge books by their covers, I definitely don't judge men by theirs. Too many people have judged me on appearance (good or bad) that I'm determined to practice acceptance first and see where it goes from there.

Switching topics slightly...

My best friend is the type that I want to marry (found it out after we established our friendship) and to me it seems the natural thing to ramp it up a bit. I'd really like him to tell me that he appreciates who I am and that he wants to pursue the possibility of marriage. I'm endeavoring to be the best friend he'll have so that even if we don't marry, our relationship is still a positive one.

\me tells Jealousy and Envy to back away from vulnerable emotions.

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spungo
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Icon 1 posted July 23, 2004 11:21      Profile for spungo     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by eDJ:
Show up naked.....with beer!

[Big Grin] Damn straight.

Old Jo Brand joke: "People say that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, but I've always found a steak knife through the chest works pretty well."

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Shameless plug. (Please forgive me.)

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typographer
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Icon 1 posted July 23, 2004 17:53      Profile for typographer   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by TMBWITW,PB:
I think the best way to get noticed is to wear a bikini and tattoo his name everywhere you can on your body. Then march by the pool playing the euphoneum and waving a banner with the confederate flag.

(Euphoniums are such a pain up the posterior region. The only Pro is the fact that the case makes a good battering ram.)

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Icon 1 posted July 23, 2004 18:48      Profile for supergoo     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
"Notice me, Horton, feather by feather, this is your next door neighbor calling! There's a new leaf your neighbor's turned over..."

Sorry, last year's musical revue coming to mind here...

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Y los sueños, sueños son.

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Xanthine

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Icon 1 posted July 23, 2004 20:18      Profile for Xanthine     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Rhonwyyn:

My best friend is the type that I want to marry (found it out after we established our friendship) and to me it seems the natural thing to ramp it up a bit. I'd really like him to tell me that he appreciates who I am and that he wants to pursue the possibility of marriage. I'm endeavoring to be the best friend he'll have so that even if we don't marry, our relationship is still a positive one.

If you really want to take this road, tread lightly. Very lightly. If things don't work out, you've lost the friendship, or introduced some extreme weirdness to it that you will regret. Your best plan is to just sit back, and if it's meant to be, it will happen.

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And it's one, two, three / On the wrong side of the lee / What were you meant for? / What were you meant for?
- The Decemberists

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dragonman97

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Icon 1 posted July 23, 2004 20:32      Profile for dragonman97   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Xanthine:
quote:
Originally posted by Rhonwyyn:

My best friend is the type that I want to marry (found it out after we established our friendship) and to me it seems the natural thing to ramp it up a bit. I'd really like him to tell me that he appreciates who I am and that he wants to pursue the possibility of marriage. I'm endeavoring to be the best friend he'll have so that even if we don't marry, our relationship is still a positive one.

If you really want to take this road, tread lightly. Very lightly. If things don't work out, you've lost the friendship, or introduced some extreme weirdness to it that you will regret. Your best plan is to just sit back, and if it's meant to be, it will happen.
Hell no. Nothing will happen if no action is taken. Do not tread boldly towards marriage or any such stuff, but do work in some way shape or form towards being 'closer' friends. Trust me - the odds that he'll realize the way you feel if you do nothing are quite slim. He'll probably just think you want to be good friends, and he will also be afraid of ruining your relationship. Of course, if he gets tired of this little charade, he might end up breaking your heart by finding someone else with whom he might share deeper feelings. Inaction begets inaction.

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There are three things you can be sure of in life: Death, taxes, and reading about fake illnesses online...

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drunkennewfiemidget
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Icon 1 posted July 23, 2004 20:34      Profile for drunkennewfiemidget     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Trust Xanthine. She gives good advice. [Cool]

It's absolutely true. When you're in a position such as that one, you're in a place where if you leave it alone, you have a wonderful friendship, but always wonder "could it have been?" If you do, and it doesn't succeed, the friendship will probably never be able to get back to where it was. As the old adage says, "with the greatest risk comes the greatest reward."

But like she said, if it's meant to be, it'll just happen. Good luck to you.

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Xanthine

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Icon 1 posted July 23, 2004 21:39      Profile for Xanthine     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Ah, but dman, if this is meant to be, if the chemistry is truly there, it will happen...just so long as you don't let the moment pass you by.

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And it's one, two, three / On the wrong side of the lee / What were you meant for? / What were you meant for?
- The Decemberists

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dragonman97

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Icon 1 posted July 23, 2004 21:51      Profile for dragonman97   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I disagree. That moment could come and slip by unnoticed, while looking for a bigger, clearer 'sign' of the 'real moment.'

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There are three things you can be sure of in life: Death, taxes, and reading about fake illnesses online...

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csk

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Icon 1 posted July 24, 2004 07:54      Profile for csk     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Rhonwyyn:
YAY!! Someone else on this planet agrees that you can't really like someone until you know them. My sister gets annoyed with me when she points out a "hot" guy and I don't act impressed. Sorry, Sis, but while I judge books by their covers, I definitely don't judge men by theirs. Too many people have judged me on appearance (good or bad) that I'm determined to practice acceptance first and see where it goes from there.

Any pics? [Wink]

Seriously, you're 100% right. Even if I consider the celebrities I find attractive (who I obviously don't know very well), there are elements about how they carry themselves, and so on, not just pure physical features.

quote:

My best friend is the type that I want to marry (found it out after we established our friendship) and to me it seems the natural thing to ramp it up a bit. I'd really like him to tell me that he appreciates who I am and that he wants to pursue the possibility of marriage. I'm endeavoring to be the best friend he'll have so that even if we don't marry, our relationship is still a positive one.

Given my extremely bad record of taking initiative in relationships, this is extremely hypocritical advice, but have you considered asking him if he wants to take the relationship further? Guys don't have the mortgage on starting relationships, you know...

Edit: Having read dman's and Xantines posts, I still think there's a certain amount of initiative required. But it's also good to work out the right time to take that initiative. You've got one advantage, you're not a guy trying to work out the inscrutable workings of a female psyche, whereas if he was to ask you out, there's a certain element of risk (in his mind) that you'll say no. You should have 100% certainty he'll say yes, since us guys are so predictable [Wink]

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6 weeks to go!

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dragonman97

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Icon 1 posted July 24, 2004 10:22      Profile for dragonman97   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Quoth csk:
Edit: Having read dman's and Xantines posts, I still think there's a certain amount of initiative required.
Where in either of my posts did I disagree with this view? That's largely my point.

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There are three things you can be sure of in life: Death, taxes, and reading about fake illnesses online...

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Xanthine

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Icon 1 posted July 24, 2004 18:18      Profile for Xanthine     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Yeah, he's siding with you dman. Relax, be calm...

What I'm trying to get across and doing a piss poor job at it is this: do not try to take control of the situation. If it is meant to get romantic, it will. What you do need a dose of, and I suppose this could also be called intitiative, is courage. You will know when the moment happens, and it takes some guts not to let it pass by. But you can't and shouldn't force it to happen - you've got a beautiful friendship at stake here. Remember that.

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And it's one, two, three / On the wrong side of the lee / What were you meant for? / What were you meant for?
- The Decemberists

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csk

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Icon 1 posted July 24, 2004 18:26      Profile for csk     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Yep, I was sort of taking the middle ground between the two. As I said before, I have a terrible record of working out whether girls are interested in me, so I didn't take that initiative very often[1] (and regret that). If you wait until you are 100% sure, you won't ever do it. On the other hand, you don't want to pursue every girl you have anything to do with.

What I've found, maybe as I've grown older, is that most of my good female friends are married (to my good male friends, particularly), so that makes it easier to have good friendships with females that are also "safe"

[1] Actually, on reflection, I didn't ever truly take the initiative. If I'm ever back in the dating game again, that's going to change, for sure

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6 weeks to go!

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