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Author Topic: The history of Middle earth in 1000 words
Drazgal
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Icon 1 posted May 17, 2004 10:51      Profile for Drazgal   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
im not sure where this came from and who to give credit to though I found it here, enjoy!

THE ENTIRE SILMARILLION OF J. R. R. TOLKIEN IN ONE THOUSAND WORDS.


AINULINDALE:

ILUVATAR: Ahem.
AINUR: Wow! Existence!
ILUVATAR: *blows pitch pipe* LA!
AINUR: LA LA LA!
ILUVATAR: LA LA!
AINUR: LA LA!
MELKOR: This sucks. BUM BUM BA DUM!
AINUR: Um. . . la?
ILUVATAR: Ahem. LA!
MELKOR: Boop bop-a-doo-bop!
ILUVATAR: LA, dammit.
MELKOR: Bwam bardle ningle boom.
AINUR: . . .
ILUVATAR: Right, you're out of the band.
MELKOR: Fine, I was leaving anyway.
AINUR: . . .
ILUVATAR: What are you waiting for?
AINUR: Oh. Right. Newly created world. Sorry. Great jam session, big guy!
ILUVATAR: Yeesh.


VALAQUENTA:

MANWE: I'm in charge!
VARDA: I'm Manwe's spouse. And queen of the stars!
NAMO: I do death and fate. They call me Mandos.
VAIRE: I'm Namo's spouse. I weave things.
IRMO: I have gardens. They call me Lorien.
ESTE: I'm Irmo's spouse. I take care of the gardens.
YAVANNA: I make things grow.
NIENNA: I'm sad.
ULMO: I live in the ocean.
AULE: I'm Yavanna's spouse. I've got a great big hammer! I made dwarves.
NESSA: I dance.
OROME: I hunt!
VANA: I'm Orome's spouse. I make living things happy.
TULKAS: I'm strong. I'm Nessa's spouse. I got here last.
MELKOR: I'm bad, momma, I'm ONE BAD MUTHA-
TULKAS: Grar.
MELKOR: Um. Yeah. Hiding now.


QUENTA SILMARILLION:

VALAR: Hey! Ilmaren! Party on the island, everyone!
MELKOR: Bah. Too bright. *builds fortress, kicks over lamps*
VALAR: AUGH! *flee to west*
MELKOR: Hu hu hu.
VALAR: Oooooh SHINY TREES! Yavanna made shiny trees!
YAVANNA: Yep! Aren't they pretty?
MELKOR: Want shiny.
VALAR: Nope.
MELKOR: Why not?
VALAR: Because you're a jerk.
ELVES: Oh hey, stars. Shiny!
MELKOR: Oh hey, breeding stock.
ELVES: AUGH!
UNGOLIANT: Want shiny.
MELKOR: Let's go get shiny.
FEANOR: I've made more shiny!
VALAR: Good, 'cos Melkor took ours. Can we have yours?
FEANOR: No! MY SHINIES! MINE!
VALAR: Aw, !&*()[email protected]&)!(&.
MELKOR: Got the shinies!
UNGOLIANT: Not enough shiny. Want more shiny!
MELKOR: You can't have 'em.
UNGOLIANT: Grar.
MELKOR: Eeek! *runs*
FEANOR AND SONS: We're gettin' our shinies back. And YOU CAN'T HAVE 'EM, Valar!
MELKOR/MORGOTH: No you're not. *stabbity fiery burny death*
BEREN: Ooo! Pretty elf lady!
THINGOL: You can have her if you ... BRING ME A SHINY!
BEREN: Worth a shot.
LUTHIEN: La la la
MORGOTH: Ooo baby... *zzz*
BEREN: Got your shiny!
MORGOTH: you BASTARD! I stole those fair and square!
CARCHAROTH: Grar.
BEREN: Ow!
THINGOL: Got the shiny?
BEREN: 's in my hand.
THINGOL: And?
BEREN: Hand's not here.
THINGOL: Crap, I really wanted that shiny.
CARCHAROTH: GRAR!!!!
BEREN: *dies*
LUTHIEN: *dies* La la la.
MANDOS: ... oh all right.
LUTHIEN: *returns to life*
BEREN: *returns to life*
LUTHIEN: Beren! Look! The shiny! In a necklace!
FEANOR'S SONS: *mutter*
LUTHIEN: *dies again*
BEREN: *dies again*
DIOR: Oo, Mom's shiny!
FEANOR'S SONS: WANT SHINY!
DIOR: *dies*
ELWING: Eek! *grabs shiny, runs*
FEANOR'S SONS: !*&(!)&)*!.
EARENDIL: Hey. Nice shiny. Yo! Valar!
VALAR: Well FINALLY. *stomp stomp stomp*
EARENDIL: Wow, planetary orbit!
MORGOTH: Eek!
VALAR: Got your shinies!
MAGLOR AND MAEDHROS: You mean OUR shinies!
VALAR: Oh *!&(!&).
MAGLOR AND MAEDHROS: Ow! Burny shinies!
MAEDHROS: Fine. This sucks. *jumps into chasm*
MAGLOR: Um... not really looking forward to meeting Dad again... *chucks shiny into sea* Bye. *wanders off*
VALAR: Well... um... okay.


AKALLABETH:

VALAR: Thanks for helping with Morgoth, Edain! Have an island! Elros is in charge!
EDAIN: Cool!
VALAR: Don't come looking for us.
EDAIN: Okay.
ELVES OF TOL ERESSEA: Have our stuff!
NUMENOREANS: Neat! Ooo, Middle-Earth!
GIL-GALAD: Dudes. Good to see you.
NUMENOREANS: Yeah, same here. What's going on?
GIL-GALAD: War with Sauron mostly.
MEN OF MIDDLE-EARTH: Shiny tall wonderful wise sea-king dudes! Yay!
NUMENOREANS: Here, have some stuff and wisdom.
MEN OF MIDDLE-EARTH: <3 <3 <3
NUMENOREANS: Life is cool. Why do we have to die?
ELVES: You're human?
NUMENOREANS: Can the Valar fix that?
VALAR: No.
NUMENOREANS: That sucks. Go away.
ELVES: Fine.
ELENDILI: Hey! Over here! We still like you!
MEN OF MIDDLE-EARTH: Gosh, we're lonely.
NUMENOREANS: Whatever, give us your wealth and your children.
MEN OF MIDDLE-EARTH: Um, okay.
ELENDILI: This isn't gonna end well, is it?
ELVES: No.
TAR-PALANTIR: We're sorry?
GIMILKHAD: *I'm* not.
AR-PHARAZON: Thanks for the throne, dude.
TAR-MIRIEL: Hey!
AR-PHARAZON: Shaddap, woman. Sauron, j00 suxx0r! I 0wnz0r j00!
SAURON: Okay.
AR-PHARAZON: Make me immortal.
SAURON: Human sacrifice is good. Also burn that pesky white tree.
AR-PHARAZON: Um. . .
ISILDUR: Hey! White tree! Got your fruit!
SAURON: *makes chicken noises*
AR-PHARAZON: Fine. Tree burn! Fire pretty!
ELENDIL: Isildur, Anarion, get the boats.
AR-PHARAZON: I've got a huge navy! Let's go conquer Valinor!
VALAR: Oh no you don't. *CRASHBANGBOOM*
AR-PHARAZON & CO.: Eeek!
ELENDIL, ISILDUR, ANARION: Wheee!
NUMENOREANS: Arrgh!
NUMENOR: SPLOOSH.
SAURON: Bwa ha ha! Um, where's my body?
ILUVATAR: Did I mention the world is round now?
NUMENOREANS IN EXILE: Well, crap.


OF THE RINGS OF POWER AND THE THIRD AGE:

ELVES: Wonder what's going on over the ocean. This crafting deal is pretty sweet, though!
DWARVES: Yeah, seriously.
ANNATAR: Hi, elves! Wanna learn some cool stuff?
ELVES: Okay!
SAURON: They fell for it.
SEVEN DWARVES: Thanks for the rings! . . oooh, GOLD! MUST HAVE GOLD!
NINE MEN: Neat rings. . . Hey, didn't Mom die like six hundred years ago?
CELEBRIMBOR: Okay, how about we do three more and call it a wrap?
SAURON: How about I do one more and claim them ALL?
ELVES: AUGH!
SAURON: Bwa ha ha!
LAST ALLIANCE OF ELVES AND MEN: Push off.
SAURON: Make me.
ISILDUR: Whack.
SAURON: Ow.
ELROND: Hey, you got his ring. Let's ditch it.
ISILDUR: No.
ELROND: This sucks.
ISILDUR: Tell me about it. *dies*
GONDORIANS: *change calendar*
CIRDAN: Hi, wizards! You in the grey, catch!
SAURON: Okay, that's long enough. Movin' into Dol Guldur.
SARUMAN: It's not him. Also the ring's lost at sea.
RING: No I'm not.
THE WISE: Augh.
THE WEAK: Bad ring! Volcano for you!
RING: *melts*
SAURON: AUGH!
MORDOR: BOOM.
GONDORIANS: *change calendar*
ELROND, GALADRIEL: Road trip!
GANDALF: Hi Cirdan! Still got your ring!
CIRDAN: Cool. Let's go to Valinor!

Posts: 154 | From: Dundee, United Kingdom | Registered: Nov 2001  |  IP: Logged
Ivan
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Icon 10 posted May 17, 2004 14:11      Profile for Ivan   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
LMFAO.

THAT is the funniest thing I've read in weeks.

Bravo! Bravo! Encore!

Posts: 269 | From: North Carolina | Registered: Mar 2004  |  IP: Logged
angryjungman

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Icon 1 posted May 18, 2004 06:25      Profile for angryjungman   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I almost snarfed on that. Very nice. Just what I needed on this Tuesday morning.

--------------------
Meh.

Posts: 634 | From: princeton, nj | Registered: Nov 2003  |  IP: Logged
Titanium Warrior
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Icon 10 posted May 18, 2004 11:48      Profile for Titanium Warrior   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
heheheh :snicker:

How many people here actually made it all the way through the entire Silmarillion?

I read it about 18 years ago and only made it 3/4 of the way. Very heady book, and this certainly is all a person needs to read to get the gist.... hehehe in all seriousness it's a great book, but be alert when reading it and take notes while you're at it [Smile]

TiW

--------------------
I used to have super powers until my therapist took them away.

Posts: 333 | From: Victoria, BC Canada | Registered: Dec 2002  |  IP: Logged
Drazgal
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Icon 1 posted May 18, 2004 11:59      Profile for Drazgal   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Try reading it again, I love the book (better than LOTR imo) especially with The Unfinished Tales to go with it. The Silmarillion is alot better on the second read through however, because it gives you alot of names of people and places quickly. The second time you read through you don't spend most the book trying to remember who everyone is! [Smile]
Posts: 154 | From: Dundee, United Kingdom | Registered: Nov 2001  |  IP: Logged
angryjungman

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Icon 1 posted May 18, 2004 12:05      Profile for angryjungman   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Titanium Warrior:


How many people here actually made it all the way through the entire Silmarillion?

I did. More than twice.

--------------------
Meh.

Posts: 634 | From: princeton, nj | Registered: Nov 2003  |  IP: Logged
TMBWITW,PB

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Icon 1 posted May 18, 2004 12:30      Profile for TMBWITW,PB     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Just so TiW doesn't feel bad I'll have to confess. I tried to read it twice. The first time I got a bit less than halfway, the second time I got a little over halfway. I just couldn't keep everything straight and I couldn't get into it. We'll see how I do with Unfinished Tales if I ever get to it.
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greycat

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Icon 1 posted May 19, 2004 09:57      Profile for greycat   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I only got somewhere around 2/3 of the way through the Silmarillion myself. So don't feel bad.
Posts: 1522 | From: Ohio, USA | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
Grey_girl

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Icon 1 posted May 19, 2004 12:56      Profile for Grey_girl     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I've read the Silmarillion twice. I'll read the Unfinished Tales someday. Should I read them in order? I've seen some volumes that are numbered, some not, so I don't know where to start.
Posts: 764 | From: NYC | Registered: May 2003  |  IP: Logged
Drazgal
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Icon 1 posted May 19, 2004 13:30      Profile for Drazgal   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I think you are thinking of the histories of Middle Earth. After JRR died his son Christopher put together the Silmarillion from the finished parts that JRR left. The Unifinished Tales are generally additions to this time (such as more on Turin and his kin etc) however these tales were never finished either are incomplete or unpolished but are in publishable form.

Then we have the Tolkien histories, these are for the people who live for Middle Earth [Smile] The first two are the book of lost tales. These comprise of the original works of the Silmarillion, its great to se ehow far the cultures have come (originally sauron was a cat [Smile] now try tell me they arn't evil). These two should be read in order and I do recomend them, especially for the elven smiths lone charge to save Gondolin from the Balrogs war machines, stuff of legend. After that the rest of the histories are notes and such about how LOTR/Silmarillion was written etc. Scraps as he planned and wrote it. Book three comprise mainly of unpublished poems etc!!!!

For compelete Tolkien nuts Id then also recoomend the letters of tolkien, not only do they give you great insight into the man and the vision you also find out what a nice guy he seemed to be (he was more bothere dthat pirate versions of LOTR had spelling errors than the loss of money).

Just don't touch any fan books by David Day, grrrr that mans assumptions annoy me (such as his claim Shelob died whereas the text clearly states this is unknown [Smile] ).

Anyway sorry to write so much, short version. Unfinished Tales == great, the rest == read if you have the time and love middle earth.

Posts: 154 | From: Dundee, United Kingdom | Registered: Nov 2001  |  IP: Logged


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