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Author Topic: Not for the meek
Cap'n Vic

Member # 1477

Icon 10 posted December 30, 2003 22:45      Profile for Cap'n Vic     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
************************************************

A man goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants.

"I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between
your breasts" he says.

"You dirty git" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I fetch my husband"

The man apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts
this and asks him again what he wants.

"I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off" he says.

"You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned. Get out." she storms

Again the man apologies and swears never ever to do it again. "One more
chance" says the barmaid. "Now what do you want?"

"I want to turn you upside down, fill your cxxx with Guinness, and then drink every last drop".

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly

"What's up, Love?" he asks. "There's a man in the bar who wants to put his head between my breasts and lick the sweat off" she says.

"I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the husband.

"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick
it off" she screams.

"Right, he's dead" says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.

"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my cxxx with Guinness and then drink it all" she cries. The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on.

"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.

"Look love - I'm not messing with someone who can drink 12 pints of Guinness...

************************************************

A fella is out at the bar drinking with his buddies all night. Near the end of the evening, he throws up all over his brand new shirt.

"Shit," he says, "the wife is going to kill me! Not only did she buy me this shirt but I wasn't supposed to drink too much tonight."

"No problem," says his buddy, "Here's 20 bucks. Just tell her that some drunk threw up on you and gave you this 20 to make up for it. She can't be pissed at you for the shirt and it will explain why you smell like booze."

So the guy goes home to his wife.

"Honey, I just want you to know that this isn't my vomit. Some drunk ass barfed on me at the bar and gave me this 20 to replace the shirt."

The wife looks at him and says, "So why is there 40 dollars here?"

"Oh, he also shit in my pants."

************************************************

Tom had been in business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress. He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet.

After 6 months or so of total isolation, someone knocked on his door. He opened it and there was a huge bearded man standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Have'n a Christmas party Friday night... thought you might like to come... about 5:00."

"Great," says Tom, "after 6 months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you!"

As Lars was leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn ya...There's going to be some drinkin."

"Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave Lars stops. "More 'n likely gonna be some fightin' too."

Tom says, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again, Lars turns from the door. "More 'n likely be some wild sex too."

"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming up to the idea.
"I've been all alone for 6 months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."

--------------------
(!) (T) = 8-D

Posts: 5471 | From: One of the drones from sector 7G | Registered: Jun 2002  |  IP: Logged
dragonman97

SuperFan!
Member # 780

Member Rated:
4
Icon 1 posted December 30, 2003 22:56      Profile for dragonman97   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
You're really reaching down into the depths of the bucket today, aren't you, Cap'n? Try and be careful, though, that's where Gaim lives...

--------------------
There are three things you can be sure of in life: Death, taxes, and reading about fake illnesses online...

Posts: 9345 | From: Westchester County, New York | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Cap'n Vic

Member # 1477

Icon 1 posted December 30, 2003 23:13      Profile for Cap'n Vic     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by dragonman97:
You're really reaching down into the depths of the bucket today, aren't you, Cap'n? Try and be careful, though, that's where Gaim lives...

Hehehe....I know....I had stumbled across those on a site I found called Modern Drunkard Magazine

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(!) (T) = 8-D

Posts: 5471 | From: One of the drones from sector 7G | Registered: Jun 2002  |  IP: Logged
SpikeSpiegel
BlabberMouth, a Blabber Odyssey
Member # 1452

Member Rated:
4
Icon 1 posted December 31, 2003 05:39      Profile for SpikeSpiegel     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
i loved the second 2 the first one ive seen before but the second two were hilarious [thumbsup]

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its been a while

Posts: 3090 | From: Boston | Registered: Jun 2002  |  IP: Logged
defiant
Geek
Member # 2225

Icon 10 posted December 31, 2003 17:27      Profile for defiant     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Loved them all - hilarious!
Posts: 190 | From: Switzerland | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged
unclefungus
Highlie
Member # 2118

Member Rated:
4
Icon 1 posted January 02, 2004 17:33      Profile for unclefungus   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my cxxx with Guinness and then drink it all"... I'm not messing with someone who can drink 12 pints of Guinness...
reminds me of a porno I once saw, but they where using milk [ohwell]

--------------------
Professional software should not have dancing paperclips.

Posts: 613 | From: changes, right now it's Jacksonville or Fayetteville | Registered: Apr 2003  |  IP: Logged
Chesty
Assimilated
Member # 2460

Member Rated:
2
Icon 1 posted January 18, 2004 19:27      Profile for Chesty         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Yeah, the thought of yogurt on a sweaty old barmaids a$$ is kinda gross, though.

On HBO's Real Sex they once had a couple that were in a bathtub full of canned corn. It was the only thing on TV that ever made me actually vomit.


I tHink I might have drank guinness from some dirty glasses but, ugh!!!

Posts: 416 | From: The Beach | Registered: Nov 2003  |  IP: Logged


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